Irene & Buddy Johnson

The Truth About What Happened to Our Grandmother, Irene, in Montgomery County, Iowa

The first and most important truth about our grandmother is that we loved her dearly.

The second truth about our grandmother is that we lost the last three years of her life with her. The final three years of her life were taken away from us. Those years were also taken away from her insofar as she had to live in isolation from her true family/friends and in unnecessary fear.

The third truth about our grandmother is that we tried everything imaginable to put a stop to the isolation and psychological abuse. However, as we have discovered, there is a great deal of ineptness and indifference in the system.

The fourth truth about our grandmother is that every single government agency that we went to failed our grandmother. The Iowa Department of Elder Affairs failed her. The Iowa Department of Human Services failed her. The Montgomery County Attorney's office failed her. The Iowa Attorney General's office failed her. The Iowa Long-Term Care Ombudsman failed her. The Iowa State Bar Association failed her. The Iowa Supreme Court failed her. Each of these agencies failed her in one or more of the following ways: they failed to understand the nature of undue influence and psychological abuse; they ignored their own protocols; they refused to examine evidence; they behaved bureaucratically rather than humanely.

The fifth truth about our grandmother is that the woman who isolated our grandmother from her family and friends — and who accompanied our grandmother to attorneys' offices, doctors' offices, and government agencies — was not acting in our grandmother's best interest. She was acting in her own interest.

The sixth truth about our grandmother is that our grandmother was threatened with being placed in a nursing home if she did not comply with the wishes of the woman who had taken control of her life. Our grandmother was terrified of nursing homes. This threat was used repeatedly to keep our grandmother in line.

The seventh truth about our grandmother is that our grandmother was isolated from her true family and friends. She was not allowed to speak with us freely. Her phone calls were monitored. Her mail was intercepted. She was not allowed to see us without supervision.

The eighth truth about our grandmother is that our grandmother's estate was significantly diminished during the period of this woman's control over her life. Our grandmother had worked hard her entire life and had accumulated modest savings. Those savings were largely gone by the time our grandmother died.

The ninth truth about our grandmother is that our grandmother's will was changed during the period of this woman's control over her life. The new will benefited this woman at the expense of our grandmother's true family.

The tenth truth about our grandmother is that our grandmother told several people — including a neighbor, a former friend, and a distant relative — that she was unhappy, that she was afraid, and that she wanted to see her family. These people did not know what to do with this information, or they did not believe it was serious enough to act upon.

The eleventh truth about our grandmother is that our grandmother was a strong, independent, and loving woman for the vast majority of her life. The person she became in her final years — fearful, isolated, and compliant — was not the grandmother we knew and loved. That change was not natural. It was induced.

The twelfth truth about our grandmother is that what happened to our grandmother has a name. It is called undue influence. It is a form of psychological abuse that is particularly common among the elderly. It is recognized by psychologists, elder law attorneys, and gerontologists. It is not well understood by the general public, or, apparently, by many of the government agencies that are supposed to protect the elderly.

The thirteenth truth about our grandmother is that what happened to our grandmother is not unique. It happens to thousands of elderly people every year. Most cases are never reported. Most cases that are reported are never successfully prosecuted. The system is not set up to handle this kind of abuse.

The fourteenth and final truth about our grandmother is that we will not be silent about what happened to her. We loved her. We failed to protect her, despite our best efforts. We will spend the rest of our lives making sure that other families know what to look for, know what resources are available, and know that they are not alone.

The woman who accompanied our grandmother to attorneys' offices, doctors' offices, and government agencies presented herself as a devoted caregiver and friend. She was skilled at appearing helpful and concerned in public settings. She was also skilled at controlling what our grandmother said and did in those settings. Our grandmother, who was frightened and confused, deferred to her in ways that made it appear that everything was fine — that our grandmother was happy, that she had chosen to limit contact with her family, and that she was being well cared for.

The threat of the nursing home was particularly effective. Our grandmother had watched friends and acquaintances go into nursing homes and had been deeply affected by what she saw. She was determined never to end up in one. This woman knew that, and she used it. Whenever our grandmother showed signs of resistance — whenever she tried to reach out to family, or expressed a desire to see us — she was reminded that the alternative was the nursing home. That threat, repeated over months and years, was enough to keep our grandmother compliant and isolated.

We want people to understand that isolation is the key tool of the psychological abuser. Once an elderly person is isolated from their family and friends, they lose their support network, their reality check, and their ability to seek help. They become entirely dependent on the abuser. They begin to see the world through the abuser's eyes. They may even begin to defend the abuser to the very family members who are trying to help them. This is not weakness. This is the predictable result of sustained psychological manipulation.

If you are reading this because you are worried about an elderly person in your life, please do not wait. Please do not assume that the system will protect them. Please do not assume that because they seem fine in public, they are fine. Please reach out to them directly, privately, and persistently. Please document everything. Please find an elder law attorney who understands undue influence. And please know that you are not alone.